My dear friends on Prayabout, you know why I returned to PrayAbout but now I want to tell you why I had left... My son spotted me on PrayAbout site by accident and found my prayer request on his beautiful girlfriend, Jane whose photo I attached. What I wrote hurt them very much of course... How could my smart son find me?? Easily! I made a hint about joing to a praying site without naming it and Kelly - who wanted to know about me on a daily basis, how I am, whether I need help, or I just need a call from him - tried to find that page. He went through many prayer-sites when one day he noticed my photo in the Members spotlight!! Since then he kept reading my messages - and now I already know why he called me so often, anxiously asking me: "do you feel OK, mami? nothing is wrong with you? aren't you sick?!" though the coincidence made me surprised because at the time he called me, I was really sick or feeling lonely, depressed or had financial problems which I didn't tell him... So it was my dear Kelly's way to take care of me from Canada which makes me cry because I had no idea about it until last month... Kelly worried about me that is why he hid the huge debts they got into because of starting a small home-business of webpage-design with Jane. It caused them more than 2,000 dollars up to now but the expenses can grow... The two kids work like hell all day, in addition Kelly continues to study for his exams as well. I didn't know about these things at all. What I knew was that they invited me in the most loving way to visit them this summer at their expense and later they didn't even reply to my emails regarding the trip... Jane wrote me a charming letter a week ago telling me that she leaned on Kelly's opinion who decided not to tell me their financial trouble in order to save me from despair. Jane had to trust Kelly when it is about me since she doesn't know me in person, since we never had a chance to meet. Before I left PrayAbout, I received a harassing phone-call from Kelly who was very upset and scolded me for hurting his lovely Jane who already decided to have a job over and above the project of webpage-design, in order to make money for my trip...They both are terrific kids, my two songbirds, Jane Nightingale and Kelly Goldoriole, living in the wilderness of their true love. But how could I find it out? Kelly's scolding phone-call didn't give me any info what was going on behind the scene. I learned it a couple of weeks later from Jane's letter... After Kelly's phone-call I lost my hope for everything: to keep in touch with my son, to be liked or at least accepted by his girlfriend and later on to be emotionally supported to move to Canada and settle in the same town they live. I felt everything was lost and I just wanted to die. BUT later on - even BEFORE they shared with me the hidden truth about their intention, I decided to return to PrayAbout. YOUR CARE was the magnetic field pulling me back. Thank you, my friends! Now I told my two children to spend the money of my airplane-ticket to finish their project. It is urgent, their future depends on it. I can visit next year, and I will certainly visit them next summer! So all's well that ends well... My childhood crippled me in many ways making me very fragile and lonely. I was the only child and - sorry to say it on Mothers Day - my mom never really loved me. She wanted to have a different child who took after her, but I resisted all way along though I was not a combative child at all! She pushed me away from her, I could never snuggle into her arms, she was cold and "fierce" as my father called her look when she was angry. And she was almost always angry - with me, or with my father or with both of us. She had a heart disease and received disability pension so she was always at home, there was no escape from her. My mother hated all my friends, girls and boys alike and she never felt too sick to chase them away from our home. My dad worked all day to make money but nothing was enough. My mom wanted to have a family house, later a cottage at lake Balaton. We were in debts since I remember because my dad's salary alone wasn't enough for buying and keeping two properties. I remember my parents quarrelling over the money almost every night. When my mom was angry, she expressed it in two ways: she called me names (VERY awful names actually, like "ringyó" or "utolsó féreg" - nobody understands it so at least I spit it out to feel better) or she didn't say me a single word for DAYS! NO WORD AT ALL! If I asked something, I didn't get answer. Can you imagine what a tragedy it is for a small and sensitive child?! I was younger than five. She talked about my father and me referring to us like: "ezek" = "these". Not "they", but "these" as if we were objects. My dad was a really good man but weak and tired to save me from the atrocity of my mother. He couldn't save himself either, so...My mom kept a long cane on the top of the wardrobe and when I was a "bad girl", she hit me with the cane... It was how I was brough up. Nothing was ever good enough I did. When I escaped to Canada and married a born-Canadian "wasp", I thought I got far enough from the distructive influence of my mom. How silly I was! In Canada I was the only emigrant in my husband's family, a stranger who was neither protestant nor Anglo-Saxon - too bad! I received criticism for "gesturing like a Jew" and for talking Hungarian with my son in "an English-speaking country"! I didn't have a clue that the family of my ex's girlfriend was still in touch with his mother and sister and they kept a close watch on our marriage all the time until I returned with Kelly to take care of my sick mother... The circle had closed... Inspite of my stormy relationship with my mother I still loved her so I HAD TO come back to take care of her after my dear gold-hearted, honest but weak and coward father died in lymphoma. By the way I couldn't come home to my father's funeral because we had no money and though my husband's family had, they didn't want to waste it on me so that I could pay the last honours to my dear dad. This is why next year I took Kelly with me and we came home to live with my mom who was old and sick - she had a breakdown after my dad died. This time she was much softer and had more understanding, we still quarrelled a lot. I blamed her because I ran away to the other side of the world because of her cruel treatment. But we got much closer during the last years of her life than ever before. She died in cancer at home because she was afraid of hospitals and I obeyed to her wish. Anyway, our relationship was very tragic, even its memory is tragic and painful. Now I am alone but the first time in my life nobody scolds or criticize me for being who I am. Happy Mothers Day, my sisters! God bless us and our children!