Why did I see him yesterday? Why did I open my heart back up to the pain. It was the first time I have even glimpsed his face in 3 weeks and the moment I saw him the devil seemed to take over me too and I was rude, arrogant, cruel. It ended in no good, no good. Me in lots of tears and he as usual spewing horrible words yet I am the one who knows JESUS. I am the one who should show it at all times.
I never thought something could hurt this much. I have gone through so much death, abandonment, so many things but watching a person turn into a completely different human being, watching a person you love not only stop loving you but becoming a victim of Satan's control is heart shattering.
I apologize as I feel like I am whining. I feel like I am crying out for comfort and support and yet I have so much and some have so little. I am not afflicted with cancer or praying for a sick child. I am not grieving the loss of a spouse or the desperate needs of rent money and yet I cry and complain like my problem is the only one that exists.
I am afraid I will become chemically dependent on Xanax for the tightness in my chest that came two months ago and never seems to go away is only relieved by the popping of that pill.
Yet did I pray this morning?
No.
Why not Dana? Why do I forget so easily? Why did I sit at home alone for three days only to have it end in humiliation when I saw my ex?
I thank you for letting me vent and for praying. I know the Lord led me here.