Last night, right after I found out I was cruel. And then this morning the Lord impressed me that I was so so wrong. I have been so hurt by his behavior that I attacked back when right now he needs so much more than that. Yes he has betrayed me, hurt me and lied to me. And yes maybe it is true that I should not be with him even after TWELVE years...sigh...we met when I was 19, but I love him so much and I was wrong to show the devil and not Jesus. I have attempted to call him, to talk to him. I left a few messages of encouragement and even apology when I so feel I need that myself but no word. Again I lift him up in prayer and this time ask for forgiveness for my sins and how I behaved and also for the Lord to right this very moment, reach into his life wherever he is and wrap his arms around him. To touch him and work on his heart to long for the love of God above all things. The devil is NOT stronger than God. I only pray that I heed the Lord's voice as well as I cannot imagine not staying with him and he wants to work things out.

He is very upset with me, and I am remaining calm. He needs a voice of reason in his life because all of his friends do drugs and drink all the time. And he won't talk with his family. My family would probably not like it if they knew it was I going through the abuse, his anger. BUT, Jesus knows and allows things to happen and right now the most important thing I want to be his friend. Please pray that the Lord quiets my tongue and gives me the right words to say no matter what comes out of his mouth.
Let him see me, even if it is not for a couple again as he is an unbeliever, but let him see me Lord as an Oasis, not part of teh problem. As a refuge, not part of the pain. Please Father, help me be like you in my handling this.

I spoke to him on the way home today with kindness. I sit here knowing he is with his family, on this site where I can find fellowship and prayer. I am going to spend time praying tonight and claiming promises in God's word. Praying for Satan to be bound that people might be free to receive the Gospel:

2 Corinthians 4:3-4
For if the gospel we preach is hidden, it is hidden only from those who who are being lost. They do not believe, because their minds have been kept in the dark by the evil god of this world. He keeps them from seeing the light shining on them, the light that comes from the good news about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God.

Matthew 12:29

No one can break into a strong mans house and take away his belongings unless he first ties up the strong man; then he can plunder his house.

18:18-19

And so I tell all of you: what you prohibit on earth will be prohibited in heaven, and what you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven. And I tell you more: whenever two of you on earth agree about anything you pray for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, I am there with them.

PRAISE GOD!! OUR ALMIGHTY GOD!!!

We spoke briefly. I talked of God, I remained calm. But sadly, sadly he hurt me deeply and it wasn't even meant until it was said. Satan again...harming me. He said that we had to agree our children would be raised muslim. This from a man who pleaded with me two years ago (after 10 years together) to stay with him despite religion and this would never be an issue. Offered a prenup in fact that promised it. When I said in response, "so the woman you had this "affair" for a few days with, you talked with her about children and she said she'd raise them muslim..." and he cut me off and said "Well Dana, if you are offered bigger and better...." Oh my, Oh my dear Lord. I had to bite my tongue. I told him I had nothing else to say at this time. I would pray for him but that I did not even want to talk with him. I sent him a message telling him that those words hurt more than anything he has ever said to me in the 12 years I have been with him and that it is very clear that he not only does not love me unconditionally, but that he is likely to do this again since he is so nonchalant about it.
God can bring about change in him, but the pain is too much for me to endure. The devil has him by a strong grip and wants me to give up prayer and wants me to be angry and curse and I will not. But as I told him, all I want to be is his friend now and he said this is impossible, he could not be friends with me he would want to be with me all the way. One day at a time Dana. Deep breath. Please pray for me to continue on this journey with Jesus tomorrow. I long to be loved one day like Christ loved the church...and it is terribly painful when words like this are spoken, even if they are not truly meant and the devil is speaking through him. This is why my family does not want me near him. I feel terribly betrayed and lied too. 2 years ago it would have been over for good, for I went many months without seeing him and I was healing until he stood up to his family for me and welcomed me as I am. Now, that has changed. Now that is gone. May God hold him tonight, may God reach into his life and whisper in his ear of what he is causing and doing to a women of God who truly loves him. For no other reason than to bring him closer to the truth of Jesus one day. My pain, well my pain I am used to. But I just sometimes wish, I could wipe away all of this and find Christlike love in marriage. And yet, how do you walk away from someone who is a part of you? God bless you all tonight. And may God hold you tight while you sleep in His care and peace and protection.

Good morning all. Spoke with him this morning. Sadly he is very concerned about rearing children in Islam which is not even a option. I am praying and meeting with my pastor tonight. As I was driving into work this morning and listened to his voice on the phone, I began to cry as I imagined a life without that voice I have grown to love so much. I am praying that the Lord lifts me up today and gives me joy and courage.

More prayers today...continuing to pray. I prayed for him for hours last night, and I felt the Holy Spirit. I sent him a little message to tell him I was lifting him up in prayer. He responded well. Praise God for the devil is constantly on his back. May God lead me in my next steps.

I again prayed for hours and hours last night, he decided to go out....he was intoxicated all night. I awoke with a start at 1 in the morning. Though we do not live together I knew he was not home. I tried to reach him and his only response was that he was intoxicated. I do think my messages that responded were not quite what God would have wanted though I said I was praying for him. I just believe that I am still holding on to this relationship and I have to fully and totally give it up to God. I ask all of you to pray for me today that I continue to RELEASE this man into God's hands. Release the worry and the strife and the anxiety that comes with it. I cannot change this man, I cannot make him see Jesus, only God can. We are all lifting him in prayer and it is the best place he can be right now. I prayed and prayed last night that an army of angels would surround him and that he would not enjoy his moments in sin. When I realized he was out all hours and barely responded, it discouraged me much. Not for my sake, but for the desire for the Lord to be working. And then I realized that YES Dana, oh you of little faith, the Lord IS working, we have been praying, I have been praying and I cannot get discouraged and quit. God works in His own time. I just need to keep praying no matter what this man decideds to do with each night of his life.

I am very sad tonight. I told him I don't want to see him again or speak with him because of the hurtful things he accused me of on the phone. He blames me for the demise of this relationship and even when I cry, he feels no sympathy. I feel very very alone tonight, very sad....I keep asking God to send me a friend here. A good friend that loves Jesus and can help me thorough this. Just a friend